Why Marriage Counseling Fails (and What to Do Instead)

Today we’re talking about something every couple faces:

challenges that pull you apart instead of drawing you closer.

No matter how in love two people are, challenges will show up.
That’s just life.

But when disconnection lingers, the cost becomes enormous—emotionally, financially, and relationally. And doing nothing always has a cost.

Some couples reach out for help.
Some don’t.
And even among those who do, some couples benefit… and others leave more discouraged than before.

After more than 25 years helping couples recover from infidelity, job loss, emotional distance, and constant conflict, I began noticing a troubling pattern:

Why do some couples thrive with help, while others fall apart?
What actually makes the difference?

A Couple I’ll Never Forget

She walked into my office ten steps ahead of her husband and claimed the far end of the sofa.
He trailed behind, head down, sinking into the opposite corner.

Their body language told the story before either spoke.

I asked my usual first-session question:
“How can I help?”

She didn’t hesitate.
With full force, she began listing every way he had failed her—starting with the fact that he didn’t have a job.

As she spoke, I watched him slowly disappear into the sofa.
He clung to the armrest as though it were keeping him alive.

She sounded strong and certain.
But beneath that confidence, she was falling apart.
Her anger was a desperate plea for support.

And he wasn’t responding.
Not because he didn’t care—
but because he was overwhelmed, frightened, and powerless.

When she paused, I validated her feelings.
She was working hard, and she was hurting.

Then, with her permission, I turned to him.

“Wow,” I said gently. “She really let you have it, didn’t she?”

For the first time, he made eye contact.
He seemed relieved to be seen.

I didn’t take sides.
I saw both sides.

Because that’s the only way to help.

The Pattern They Were Caught In

She believed she was being “strong and direct.”
He believed shutting down was the safest way to keep the peace.

Both were reacting instinctively.
Both responses are deeply tied to the differences between men and women.

And this is where many couples—and many therapists—miss the mark.

They try to force engagement before leveling the playing field.

But without that first step, nothing works.

He wasn’t being defiant.
He was protecting himself.

When human beings feel attacked, they defend themselves—whether they deserve the criticism or not.

He could have fought.
He could have walked out.
But he froze.

And when he froze, her frustration skyrocketed.
She attacked again—louder and more urgently.

Very quickly, her reaction to his reaction became the real problem.

She blamed him for everything.
And silently, he blamed her too.

Both saw themselves as the victim.
And when both partners see themselves as the victim, the other person becomes the villain.

The Hard Truth

I wish I could tell you this couple found their way through.

But they didn’t.

She believed he was the only problem.
And when I didn’t join that narrative, she quit—and took him with her.

In reality, the problem wasn’t him.
And it wasn’t her.
It was their pattern.

He’d mess up.
She’d attack.
He’d shut down.
She’d attack him for shutting down.
Around and around they went.

No hero.
No heroine.
Just two hurting people stuck in a destructive loop.

Even the best guide can’t help if either partner refuses to listen.

And in their case, her goal wasn’t connection—
it was to be right.

Why Marriage Counseling Fails

There are two primary reasons many couples don’t do well in therapy:

1. They’re more invested in being right than in working together.

The blame game feels satisfying in the moment,
but it always leads to stalemate.

2. Many therapists—without realizing it—reinforce the aggressor.

Instead of leveling the playing field, they unintentionally deepen the imbalance.

And the cycle continues.

What Works Instead

The blame game never works.
Not ever.

You can play it if you want,
but it will always leave both partners powerless—
waiting for the other to change.

And that’s exactly why I created
The Breakthrough Marriage Plan.

After decades of watching couples get stuck in the same destructive patterns, I realized the missing piece always came down to one thing:

They didn’t understand the crucial differences between men and women.

Once you understand those differences—
and work with them instead of against them—
everything changes.

In The Breakthrough Marriage Plan, I show you how to:

• escape the victim–villain pattern

• uncover the real issues underneath

• and begin working together toward the marriage you truly want

If you’re ready to stop the blame game
and start building the extraordinary marriage you deserve,
you’ll find all the details at: RevolutionaryMarriageCoaching.com

Thanks for watching this episode of The Revolutionary Marriage Podcast.
If this was helpful, be sure to like, subscribe, and share it with someone who needs it.

See you in the next video.