How Do You Get Your Husband to Do What You Want Him to Do?

Do you ever feel like your husband doesn't help out enough around the house? Many women I've met share that frustration, especially those with small children. I've heard stories of women getting frustrated and criticizing their husbands for not doing things like taking out the trash or helping with the baby in the mornings. These women often try to change their husband's behavior by attacking, blaming, or criticizing, but this approach usually backfires. Instead of fostering closeness, it pushes their husbands away, much like how punishment can cause a dog to cower. The same goes for using negative punishment, like the silent treatment or withholding affection; it might work for a while, but it won't build a loving, close relationship in the long run.

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Does your husband help out around the house? Most women I've met complain that men don't do nearly enough at home. This seems especially true for those who have small children, whether or not the woman works outside the home.

I remember one woman in particular who carried so much resentment against her husband about the kitchen trash. She couldn't understand why he didn't take it out whenever he saw it was full. So she attacked, blamed, and criticized him for it every few days. And nothing changed.

Another woman, one who was a stay-at-home mom, expected her husband to take care of the baby every morning so she could sleep in as long as she wanted to. She reasoned that the baby often awakened in the night, and since her husband owned his own business, he could just go in late anytime he wanted. As a result, he couldn't set a regular time to open his one-man business. If he needed to leave before she was ready to get up, she would attack, blame, and criticize him because it wasn't fair that she had to take care of their baby 24-7. He didn't want to set her off, so he complied to avoid the fallout.

Both of these women punished their husbands for failing to do what they wanted them to do.

They engaged in positive punishment. That is, they added something to the equation that was intended to change a target behavior. Remember, a target behavior is any action you want to have happen more frequently or less frequently.

These women added the verbal punishments of attacking, blaming, and criticizing. However, research has shown that punishment is not the best way to influence someone else.

Yes, you can get compliance from someone who wants to avoid punishment, but the end result is that he will not only try to avoid the punishment, but he'll also try to avoid you. Not exactly a way to develop closeness and caring.

If you're having a hard time picturing this, consider a dog that's been repeatedly hit or kicked by his owner. He cowers and hides when he sees his owner coming toward him.

We also need to be aware of negative punishment, which occurs when you take something away that the person wants. If judiciously applied, this strategy can work pretty well with children and teenagers, in the form of a timeout or being grounded. It does not, however, work on grown men.

The most common uses of negative punishment in marriage are the silent treatment or stonewalling and withholding affection, including sex. Again, not exactly effective ways to create and maintain a close relationship.

Yes, some men will pursue women who are engaging in negative punishment, but sooner or later most men will give up.