How to Fix Your Couple Communication

[From the Podcast] Men and women are different. Always have been. Always will be. And that’s a very good thing. When women are valued, and men are respected, we develop the capacity to create a beautiful life together. That doesn’t mean we have a life or a relationship without challenges. Challenges will always be part of life. It does mean that our first goal is to understand. Our second goal is to be understood. Problem-solving comes third. Let’s talk about that.

Everyone wants to enjoy the luxury of being understood. Unfortunately, being understood is relatively rare. In large part because we don’t take time to understand the one person who we most want to understand us.

Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

I’m often guilty of this myself. Are you? How many times do you begin formulating your response while the other person is still talking? Especially when you don’t see things the way he sees them.

An ancient proverb says, “To answer without listening, that is folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) In other words, how can you solve a problem before you know what the problem is?

And how can you learn to listen to someone who sees the world so very differently than you? Yes, you’re on the same planet. You are both members of the same species. You are both mature adults. Neither is superior to the other. But your biology and your life experience have trained you to look at the world from a completely different perspective.

Without a framework to understand the opposite sex, you’re pushing the same boulder up the hill every day, only to watch it roll back to the bottom each night. It’s punishment similar to what Sisyphus endured. But it’s totally self-inflicted. That means it’s not inescapable. All you need is a little wisdom. That is, a little judiciously applied knowledge.

You cannot understand something if you refuse to invest your time and attention in learning everything you can about it. The same holds true for understanding the opposite sex. Unfortunately, when a man does something a woman doesn’t understand, she thinks he’s wrong. And when a woman does something a man doesn’t understand, he gives up. Neither of those approaches are helpful.

While counseling couples in my clinical practice, I noticed the same patterns. And realized how misinformed my clients were about the opposite sex. I started offering seminars and workshops to teach them about their gender differences. As part of my full 14-hour workshop, couples were given a three-ring binder containing all the information covered, so they could review what they’d learned. That notebook turned into a book that I continued to use with couples, not only in couple’s therapy, but also while coaching couples after I closed my clinical practice.

The workshop and book began with a biblical and psychological understanding of male-female relationships. Then I explained women to men, using three bullet points plus one over-arching principle. The next section was all about men. Their biology and experience. The process of male development. Why they do what they do instead of what women think they should do. And a full list of emotional needs they are forbidden to reveal as part of the code of masculinity.

I assumed each person would be voraciously curious about the opposite sex. However, almost every time, the same thing happened. My clients would read the book focusing on their own gender instead of their mate’s.

One woman decided to read the book during her lunch break, sitting at her desk. This was back in the dark ages when most people went into the office for work. Do you still remember that time? She was so moved by what she read that she started to cry. So she went and sat in her car until it was time to go back to work. What made her cry? Learning about her husband? No. Feeling understood. Knowing that I knew her deepest longings. Things her husband didn’t understand about her. Things she hadn’t fully verbalized even to herself. She was hopeful that her husband was hearing the words written on the page. If the book could make him understand, she wouldn’t have to say anything. He would know.

In this case, he didn’t. She was so hurt and so angry. Not only about things he had done, but also about things that had happened to her long before they met. She had built up a thick wall to protect herself from further hurt. And all he could see was the wall. He felt like she blamed him for everything, and it didn’t take a doctoral degree to see how he arrived at that conclusion. Her defensive strategy was to attack and criticize him daily. She had no idea how sensitive he was to her moods and to the language she used when she talked to him. Yes, he had messed up. But he was a tenderhearted guy. A human being who also longed to feel understood.

I have often provided advanced training for mentor couples in local marriage ministries. One man who had received a copy of my book at his church’s workshop made an appointment with me a few weeks later. He arrived with my book in hand, filled with too many sticky notes to count. Within moments, he expressed his need to be understood. He opened the book and jumped right in.

“What you said right here on page such-and-such? I’ve been trying to tell my wife this for years. She still doesn’t understand. What should I do?”

I suggested he bring her in for a conversation. She had no clue there was a problem. Their marriage was good from her point of view. After all, they mentored other couples. It’s true that they had a pretty good marriage. They just didn’t know what they were missing. It took about six weeks for her to understand. Because first, she needed to be understood. Makes sense, right?

As I mentioned, I used that particular book for more than a decade. You can still buy it on Amazon. In case you’re interested, I’ll put the link in the show notes.

Couples who met their relationship goals read all the way through the book at least twice. So, I started recommending they focus on how well it fit with their self-understanding as they read it the first time. Then I asked them to read it again, focusing on understanding their mate.

I remember one couple who’d been referred to me by their pastor. We met for more than a month before I was able to convince them to read my book. The wife admitted that she didn’t see how reading a book could help resolve the conflict they were experiencing. But once they started learning the principles, we started making progress.

I often told couples that working with me without reading my book was like taking a college course and never opening the textbook. I could teach them during the sessions, but it would take many more sessions to arrive at their stated goals. Plus, I probably wouldn’t be able to cover everything. A more efficient and cost-effective approach would be for them to read a few chapters a week, then use the sessions to work on how to apply what they’d learned. Knowledge. Practical application. Encouragement. Wisdom. Then rinse and repeat.

Since closing my clinical practice in 2021, I’ve been searching for more ways to get this knowledge into the hands, heads, and hearts of more couples. That’s why I stepped up my presence on YouTube last year. And why I started this weekly personal development podcast.

If you’d like, you can download a free pdf about your God-given gender differences. A Quick Start Guide to Understanding Women is everything a man needs to know about the woman he loves on one page. Yes, she's really that simple to understand.

A Quick Start Guide to Understanding Men contains 7 Secrets of Masculinity. It’s your One-Page Guide to understanding what he's thinking, how he feels, and why he does what he does instead of what you think he should do. Because most women want more details, this Guide also includes a 50-page workbook.

I tried to make these free guides as succinct as possible, of course. But there are so many ways to talk about our gender differences. So, I’m going to give you a few additional bullet points to consider here.

Remember, when a woman does something that a man doesn’t understand, he gives up. So give some thought to these thoughts. Then think about how you might use some of my words to help you clarify what you’re all about. Believe it or not, most men don’t realize what I’m about to tell you about how we women operate.

First, a wife loves being the center of her husband’s attention. She wants to be his number one priority. She doesn’t want to run his life or ruin his life. She just wants to know that he considers her thoughts, feelings, and desires in everything he does. He should never ask for her permission to do something. Instead, he needs to ask for her input. He’s not a little boy, and she’s not his mother. They are two adults, husband and wife.

Second, while we’re on the subject. She may not admit it, but she wishes he would take the lead more often. That he would be her knight in shining armor. But she definitely doesn’t want him to run over her in the process.

She needs to know where he’s headed. Because she sees things from a different perspective, she can help him see and do more than he could alone. She can protect him from blind spots because she looks at life from a different angle. It’s her job to give him feedback. He doesn’t have to do whatever she says, but he does need to consider her input. In fact, he should thank her for her input. Then give serious consideration to what she says. Then he needs to get back to her. If he leaves her hanging, she will repeat herself over and over. He won’t enjoy that. And neither will she.

Third, she longs for his compassion and the comfort of being in his arms. Detecting danger is your wife’s superpower. Her tendency toward neuroticism (worry) is in her DNA. The good news? So is her tendency toward agreeableness. (Big 5 Personality Traits). You can help alleviate her anxiety by listening, but also more effectively and efficiently by holding her. The difference between a hug and being held is a matter of seconds. A hug lasts 2-3 seconds. Holding takes 7-10 seconds. She needs to be held every day. And it only takes 10 seconds.

Finally, she wants to be adored. To be valued. To be loved. And she wants connection. A woman uses words to create connection. The more words, the deeper the connection. But it usually doesn’t work that way when she talks with her husband. She’s still learning how to speak his language.

Remember, when a man does something that a woman doesn’t understand, she thinks he wrong. If it happens often enough, she’ll try to fix him. She doesn’t realize the distinct possibility that he isn’t wrong. He’s just different.

So give some thought to these thoughts. Then think about how you might apply this information in conversations with your husband. Believe it or not, most women don’t realize what I’m about to tell you about how men operate.

First, a husband literally craves his wife’s positive attention. He wants to know he’s her priority. When she gives him attention, she is demonstrating her respect for him. And he will work harder than ever to protect her, to provide for her, and to see her smile. Of course, he may also try harder to solve her problems. Which can be a problem if there is no problem for him to solve. She will have to help him with knowing the difference between being compassionate and comforting versus trying to fix her. He thinks he’s helping when he gives her his solution to what he perceives to be the problem, especially if she’s upset about something. It doesn’t occur to him that she’s seeking his comfort and compassion, not his wisdom at that point. She may need to clarify that gently for him. Because his go-to strategy is always about finding solutions.

Second, while we’re on the subject. He may not say it aloud, but he longs to be her hero. He loves to be her knight in shining armor. But he often doesn’t know how. And sometimes when he tries, she won’t let him be her hero. The dangerous part of this? She may not realize that’s what she’s doing. Instead of enjoying his intentions, she shoots him down. Ignores his advice. Listens to her mom or her sister or her girlfriends. Discounts his input. Goes her own way. Whenever that happens, she kicks him in the groin. Which leaves him powerless and defensive. The opposite of what he wants to be … and what she wants him to be. It’s very confusing and often leads to a negative loop that can become difficult to exit.

In reality, he needs to know he’s needed. Because he sees things from a different perspective, he can help her see and do more than he could alone. It’s his job to protect her. However, she doesn’t always know that’s his motivation. She just feels like she’s being controlled. And neither of them want that.

Third, he longs for her affection. A kind word. A tender touch. Every day. He works hard to be a good man. He needs to know that she recognizes and values his efforts. He’s fully aware of his imperfections. He often feels weak. He feels like he’s failing. Maybe he even feels like he is a failure. Sometimes he feels unlovable. With very little effort and without emasculating him, his wife has the power to let him know she cares. With a kind word. A tender touch. Every day.

Finally, he needs to be respected. He’s not like she is. He is a man. With different biology and different life experiences. Respect does not need to be earned. It is given because of who the giver is. She is respectful. She honors him because he is created in the image of his Creator. He needs her trust, too. But her trust has to be earned. He knows that. And through her respect, he is empowered to do the things he needs to do to gain her trust and win her affection. That’s what motivates him to become a better man every day.

He may never speak her language. Few men, if any, ever do. But he can learn what makes her smile. Some men spend their lifetime avoiding a woman’s anger and lead a life of quiet desperation. Blessed is the man who lives for his wife’s smile. He knows he’s on the right track. If she only knew the power of her smile.

Yes, most of us have a lot to learn about the opposite sex. I still wonder why we aren’t taught about gender differences in school or in church or anywhere. I’m especially surprised that a graduate school in psychology totally ignores this reality of human existence.

Years ago I had a very brief conversation with a colleague. He was conducting research on spiritual formation. I asked him what differences he’d found between men and women in terms of their spiritual development. I had studied gender differences from biblical and psychological perspectives. Needless to say, I was super excited to learn about our differences from a spiritual perspective … in how we view and experience our Creator.

His answer? “We factored that out of the data.” So there were gender differences. He just chose to ignore them. I don’t understand why he had no interest in that data. And he didn’t understand why I would ask about it. I sometimes wish I would have pressed a bit more to see if he would let me take a look at his raw data. But I didn’t. Why didn’t I? Well, statics was never my strong suit. And I let it drop. Yet I still wonder sometimes what was there.

On the other hand, a few individuals in the field of psychology do talk about the differences between men and women. Unfortunately, they tend to be disrespectful and dismissing in the process. Going for a momentary laugh from their audiences, over teaching respect and honor for one another. They make a lot of money. But at what expense to couples and families who could benefit from wisdom? Honestly, their behavior makes me angry. Not much makes me angry at this point in my life. Except so-called professionals poking fun at people who are hurting and confused. Maybe they’re just hurting and confused themselves. Perhaps this is just their way of covering up their own pain.

As for me, I’m always curious about the facts of life. I hope you are, too. Because men and women are different. Always have been. Always will be. And that’s a very good thing. When we understand one another, we’re in a much better position to deal with the challenges of life. Together. Yes, my mom was right about this. Two heads are better than one. Two heads, two hearts, two pairs of hands working together can change the world. What do you think?

Thanks for listening to this episode. Don’t forget to like, comment, subscribe, and share. Then take a minute to check out all the resources provided in the show notes. I’ll see you next time on A Wise Woman’s Podcast. And remember, I’m here to help.