How to Create the Essential Safe Haven Every Man Needs

Most women are unaware of the essential safe haven every man needs. I'm talking about and average guy who takes good care of his wife and his family. He goes to work every day and comes home every evening. Being a man is difficult work. Most men make it look easy, so you may not realize what is really happening for him ... or how much he needs that safe haven at home.  

Let’s talk about a man's need to have a safe place. When I first posted this thought on my website, I got immediate feedback about how women need to have a safe place, too. No doubt, that’s true. Both men and women need a safe place where they don’t have to be afraid. Abuse – physical, emotional or otherwise – is a highly important topic that needs to be discussed. Today, however, I’m not talking about domestic violence.

Instead, let’s talk about the average guy who takes good care of his wife and his family.

He goes to work every day and comes home every evening. Being a man is difficult work. Most men make it look easy, so you may not realize. He is still sensitive to emotions, his own and others’. But he has to get his work done and, hopefully, advance in his chosen career. I say chosen career, but the truth is, many men are doing jobs they hate because it’s what was available to home. But that will have to be a topic for another day.

To do his job, he has to put on some pretty heavy armor. Weak men don’t get very far in life, so he pretends he’s not weak even when he feels weak. His motto is, Never let ‘em see you sweat. His first job at his job is to protect his identity from external attacks. But also from his own internal dialogue. Again, a woman might not know this, but he’s probably also criticizing himself. He fears being inadequate in most areas of his life. Not just at work, but also at home. Maybe even at church or any other place he goes.

His only hope for emotional safety is with his wife by his side. Home needs to be his refuge – his safe place – and his fortress.

He needs a safe place where he is wanted and accepted just as he is. Believe it or not, that experience is relatively rare for most men. Even for those who have a good family.

I recall a couple who lived in Orange County, California. The husband had a tough hour and a half commute through Los Angeles every morning and every evening, five days a week. During one of our individual sessions, he said he would often drive around and park on the other side of the block from his house, turn off his car, sit for a while, and cry. He was so exhausted from everything he'd done at work, and he dreaded going home. Every night, his wife gave him a verbal list of problems the moment he walked in the door. No personal attention or affection, or even a sign that he was wanted and welcomed. It was eating him alive.

He’d worn his heavy armor all day, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. His heart and soul needed rest. Ideally, he would be able to take off his armor at home. But he couldn’t. He knew he would need to keep it on to protect himself at home, just as he had protected himself at work.

His wife had no idea. She thought all he cared about was work. That he expected her to do everything at home and serve him, too. She thought work was an escape for him, and she resented him for it. She had no idea how much work drained him. She had no idea how much he needed a little space to take off his armor. She had no idea how desperately he needed to know she was happy to see him. She had no idea how little of her effort it would take to make him feel loved and accepted. And she had no idea how much a few small changes would energize him and inspire him to dive in, get stuff done, and enjoy their family together.

First and foremost, he needed to know that he was wanted for who he is, not for what he could do to help her by doing daily chores. Instead of her joyful acknowledgement of his presence, she would start giving him assignments. Help with the kids. Help with dinner. Take out the trash. You know the typical family routine.

It's no wonder that man would sit in his car and cry. He knew he was going to have reinforce his armor, secure his helmet, and step back into the fray. It’s so sad, and it doesn’t have to be that way.

The flip side of this scenario is also understandable. I know because I stayed at home to raise kids for 12 and a half years. I know that can be its own set of nerve wracking.

She’s been run ragged and desperately needs some help. She sees her husband as her rescuer. He'll come home and take over so she can rest. He can take care of the kids and put out whatever fire is blazing at the moment. She is going to get some relief because the cavalry has arrived. She doesn't think about what kind of day he has had.

This story gets even more complicated when she who also works outside the home. She comes home and immediately jumps in. Fixing dinner, taking care of children, getting homework done, all of those things. And she does it really well. She is highly efficient at multitasking. Then her husband comes home and doesn’t help?

This is such a common theme in marriages. Even in the good ones. And I didn’t even mention getting kids to and from all their extracurricular activities.

The only strategy men have is to buck up and wear the armor. And women’s strategies tend to be doing everything ourselves or nagging our husbands to help. Not exactly the romantic life you were going for, is it?

So what can you do? I know your list is long already. You don’t have the energy to do more, much less take care of your husband’s emotional needs at the end of the day. Especially, when you have some resentment towards him.

Like most everything in marriage, the solutions are usually simple. But they’re not always obvious. That’s why I broke the solution to his common problem down to a simple set of easy experiments for you to try. I promise it won’t take a lot of your energy. It will take about 5 minutes of forethought, but less than a minute to implement. How cool is that?

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