Cracking The Code: Decoding Women's Anger

The issue of women and anger in a relationship is a very confusing one for a lot of men. When they see their wives upset, all they know is that she is angry. They don't think about looking past her angry demeanor to discover what is happening underneath. Most of the time, anger on the surface is a sign of anxiety and panic in her spirit.

She panics because you're not hearing her. You're not listening, and you're not responding to her. She’s hanging off a cliff emotionally. She is desperate to get your attention. She need your help.

I know how hard it can be to think about rescuing her when she’s launching a verbal attack. At that point, you’re busy protecting yourself. The last thing you want to do is help her. Because you don’t realize how scared she is. Mostly about dealing with an issue alone.

I try to teach a woman more effective ways to get her husband’s help, while letting her know that attacking, blaming, and criticizing him in the process is like shooting herself in her proverbial foot.

If you avoid her anger, which most men do, you’re also shooting yourself in your proverbial foot. Ignoring her in the hope that she’ll calm down only serves to impede the process for both of you. Instead, take a time out if you need it. Tell her you need 5 minutes and will be right back.

While you’re out of the room, ask yourself if she is afraid or worried about something. Do you know what she’s up against? Do you know what she needs from you? Remember, she’s just as emotional as you are at the moment. And when human beings are emotional, they don’t think clearly. They panic. Yes, your silence is likely the way you keep yourself from lashing out in return. When you’re a bit calmer yourself, go back and listen. Find out what’s wrong. And if you need to apologize for something, just do so. She may need you to solve a problem. But before you make any suggestions, first make sure you understand what the real problem is for her. She thinks she’s being clear, but a lot can get lost in translation both ways.

The other thing you need to know about women and anger is, we have a really hard time when a man is angry. No matter who he’s angry at. It is scary for a woman to be around an angry man. The first thing she'll think is, did I do something?

Why are you mad at me? How can I protect myself from you?

You could be angry at her or the other drivers. Maybe you’re upset about something going on at work. Maybe you don’t feel well. No matter what’s going on, if it comes across as anger, she will be afraid of you.

It’s a vicious cycle. When a woman is afraid, she comes across as angry. When a man is angry, it terrifies a woman. The only way to end the cycle is to slow it down and figure out what’s going on beneath the surface. Then address the real issue. I know this sounds overly simplistic. In fact, it is simple. It’s just not easy. And the steps you need to take to break the cycle are never obvious, especially when you’re both escalating.

I created a class on Resolving Couple Conflict and Creating Connection. If you’re interested, let me know, and I’ll send you the link to get free access. Remember, I’m here to help.